My most favorite thing in the world literary-wise that happens at the end of every year is the Dave Barry Year in Review. When it is published, I don’t usually read it right away. I savor it–the thought of it–and let it breathe like a fine wine. Then, when the moment is just right, I make a pot of coffee, grab my laptop, and curl up just so on the couch. From the moment I begin to read, I can feel actual joy pulsate through my body. The only other way I can describe what I feel like at this time is to compare it to how I feel on opening day in baseball. Opening day is all that is good in the world. Gleeful anticipation that surges through the veins and a heart pulsating with hope is the only way to describe it. There are very few times I ever feel that kind of thing anymore. The older I get, the more I appreciate feeling that way, and the more I attempt to write about anything, the more appreciation I have for the talent of Dave Barry. Writing well is a gift. Writing well and making me quite literally laugh out loud while reading is magic.
The inartful segue I will make now is to introduce my own kind of foray into “end of the year” compilations. As you well know dear reader (old-time writing used to say that a lot so I thought I’d try it out on you), I am no Dave Barry. I say this so that you will not hold any grand illusions that I will do anything resembling what Dave Barry does…in case you were expecting that.
Now that those hopes have been dashed, and you are still reading (dear goodness, why are you still reading? Don’t you have anything better to do, like get a root canal or watch re-runs of Gilligan’s Island?), it is now time for my extremely brief and most assuredly non-Dave- Barry -kind- of- witty– end-of-the-year thingy. The following tidbits are just some of the things that I would like to not hear about, read about, or know about in 2016, because they made 2015 a veritable nightmare. Here we go…
Internet hoax posts, or satire news stories that keep getting posted even though they’ve been proven hoaxes yet people keep posting them:
Look, I understand that Facebook is not the New York Times, and maybe because I’m an over-posting freak I tend to be more aware of what is going around the inter webs more so than people who actually manage to stay off of Facebook for over a day, but for the love of Pete, please at least consider whether what you’re posting is from The Onion. I mean, it will say “Onion” somewhere (btw, they have a great “Year in Review” as well. Better than this drivel from me you betcha).
Also, Mark Zuckerburg is not, I repeat not, going to hand you a billion dollars because you copy and pasted the fact that he is going to give you a billion dollars if you copy and paste the fact that he is going to give you a billion dollars. Ok? He does however thank you for the billion dollars he made last year.
One more crazy-assed story about some freaks out of Florida who do stuff that even The Enquirer wouldn’t be able to dream up:
I’m beginning to think that Florida does not actually exist. I think if you look closely on the map, it will say The Onion across where Florida should be.
(PLEASE , if you do nothing else productive in your day, click on the link above. These are TRUE FREAKING STORIES).
OK. Done. I guess Bristol Palin and her abstinence only baby-making self will have to suffice in order to keep the Palin name alive and well in 2016.
Sarah, can you see those “Republican family values” from your house?
Republican frothing-at-the-mouth over Vladamir Putin, a.k.a, Vlad the Shirtless:
I’m not stupid. I completely understand why Republicans go around saying how awesome Putin is–’cause he imprisons girl bands and “allegedly” kills journalists and rides Cheetahs bare-chested in his spare time when he’s not wreaking havoc around the globe. I get it. But perhaps hailing this guy to highlight President Obama’s supposed “feckless” leadership should be sequestered considering, you know, he may have killed some journalists (or at least certainly encourages mistreatment of them by others). Uhm, and he invades countries for the hell of it. Just a thought.
Republicans constantly using the word “feckless” to describe the President.
Feckless- (fek-lis) adj. inneffective; incompetent.
Physician, heal thyself.
While we’re on the subject…Republican debates:
I try and I try and I try to think of other ways to inflict severe emotional and psychological pain onto myself other than watching the Republican “debates” (if I could have furiously air-quoted this I would have, but you get the point). Let’s see, there’s:
- Having someone give me an Indian wrist-burn (if you are over 50 you get this).
- Lying down in a public urinal in Times Square.
- Buying any Bill O’Reilly “Killing…” book…and reading it.
- Watching Fox News for more than 16 seconds…ok, maybe 7 seconds…3 seconds tops.
I justify watching the debates because I need to be fully informed to make a reasonable decision on who to vote for, but in reality, I actually quite enjoy screaming at the top of my lungs towards the television at something besides the New York Giants and when I am trying to turn on the tv with 7 remotes, non of which seem to work unless you have the launch code for the nuclear arsenal.
The election in 2016:
I guess I’m already burnt out because I do pay attention to politics year-round, but hearing about who will be president for a full two years before we actually will elect a new president is a lot like planning for next Christmas two days after Christmas. It’s pure nonsense. Let’s just all agree that at least the president won’t be…
STOP STOP STOP STOP NO NO NO NIET NIET NIET (for the Putin fans).
For the love of all that is pure and holy, I need—no WE need– this national nightmare to end. We need someone to step up big-time and “schlong” this “putz” back to Manhattan where he can do much less damage…as long as it’s not Ted Cruz,Ben Carson, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, or ___________________ (insert any Republican name here) who takes his place at the head of the polls.
Oh well. Here’s to not being shlonged in 2016!
Happy New Year all!