It was opening day(technically, opening night) for the Mets, and I was flush with the usual burst of excitement and high hopes for a great season that I’ve had every year since about 1975. Every dang year. If you are a baseball fan, you understand this. You totally get how as a fan of your team, the first baseball game of the year is like no other. It doesn’t matter that your team has no realistic chance of competing for a pennant. You still dream and wistfully think, “You know, if this guy comes into his own, and if that guy stays healthy, maybe, just maybe, we could have a shot.” So, precisely because my Mets burst my opening day bubble last night, getting no-hit for 6 innings and generally playing about as uninspired baseball as you could find, I wound up diverting my attention and surfing the internet, finding oodles of stuff that makes you shake your head furiously in disgust, just as my Mets will all year long I’m afraid. Last place, here we come.*
1.Snookie. America’s favorite air-head. Snookie made more scratch than Toni Morrison will through a “speaking engagement” at Rutgers University this past week. The acclaimed author will make 30 grand speaking at the university’s commencement in May and Miss Polizzi just hauled in 32 thousand smackaroos speaking to Rutger’s students on such hot-button issues as the best spray tans for your hard-earned dollar, what brand of tequila she finds most appealing, and how to get arrested in Seaside Heights without really trying. Maybe these really are end times.
2.Newt Gingrinch. He has now become a walking, talking caricature of himself. Oh Newt. Newt-ster. On March 7th, you blasted President Obama for not enforcing a no-fly zone in Libya. Then, a day after we do enforce a no-fly zone, you actually have the unmitigated temerity to say, “I would not have enforced a no-fly zone in Libya.” Of course you wouldn’t have–I mean would have–oh shoot you’ve got me so confused Newty! Gee willickers, you almost sound like all the other republicans who just say the opposite of whatever the president says. I’m a bit worried with all of this talk of running for president, you might be working too hard, and you know what kind of trouble that usually gets you into, don’t ya Newt? You wouldn’t want to be forced into cheating on wife number three, right? Think about sitting this one out, after all, there are plenty of contrarian wing-nuts out there to take your place in the race. Plenty.
3. Sarah Palin. Look, I know I’m a bit obsessive over this woman, but as long as there are actually more than 10 people who really think this phony is presidential material, I will keep highlighting her idiotic comments. I’ll never understand how anyone can take her seriously.I especially question the rationale of those who say, I love who she is and what she stands for and agree with all of her political policies (she has some, right?), but I wouldn’t vote for her as president. I feel that is a little like me saying, I love my mailman who brings me my mail on time, doesn’t lose it (I don’t think so anyway), brings my dog yummy treats and delivers my mail through floods, blizzards, and swarms of locusts but I wouldn’t necessarily vote for him as mailman of the year. Why not? Perhaps they actually do understand that she is a little…well…limited. Her inability to speak articulately on any topic, besides the droning of her rehearsed talking points, or whatever she has scribbled on her hand at the moment, is painfully transparent. When she does speak, her butchering of the language is not simply great comic relief, but it also highlights her frightening deficits. Just check out her latest malapropism while speaking to her base on
FAUX FOX news this week about the Libyan action. While doing her usual Fox News shtick, she commented on whether the word to define the Libyan action should be “war”,” intervention” or, “squirmish.” Sqirmish! Hahaha, oh Sarah, you so funnee.
4. Republican/Tea Party congressmen. Wow. How about this latest lawmaker from Arkansas, one Rep. Rick Crawford, who was a lead signer of a letter sent to Harry Reid from 30 members of the GOP demanding that the democrats agree to make cuts to the budget sufficient enough to fund the government for the rest of the year. The letter called Harry Reid’s record on spending in the Senate a “failure” for his inability to “restrain spending” and being able to put the country on a “sound fiscal footing”. Harsh words. How about hypocritical words, especially coming from this republican freshman Crawford who, it turns out, filed for bankruptcy in 1994 for running up debts (mostly credit card related) to the tune of $12,661.67. What’s that about, do as I say, not as I do Senator Crawford? You can’t make this stuff up.
5. Donald Trump. Please just go away. Do what you do best like screwing people out of money . I mean, you were oh-so-proud of your little “scam” played on Gaddafi**. I guess you think it makes you look so smart, but all it really shows is what a snake-oil salesman you are. Also, keep up the good work declaring bankruptcy every few years (up to three and counting) where you cleverly privatize your gains and socialize your losses. Yeah, what a patriot.
* This is one of the reasons that baseball is such a great game. As awful as the opening game was for the Mets, they came back the next night and won a fantastic baseball game in extra innings, and then won a laugher the next day restoring my initial feeling of optimism for the year. I really think if Beltran stays healthy, and Reyes comes on… World Series here we come!
**I counted 3,243 different spellings of this brutal dictators name. I’m almost sure this particular spelling is one of them.
- GOP Taps Once-Bankrupt Congressman as Face of Fiscal Restraint (huffingtonpost.com)
- Snooki Has N.J. Parents Ticke (foxnews.com)